Brazilian Women

Why Are Brazilian Women So Hot?

It’s common knowledge among men the world over, that Brazilian women rank among the hottest on the planet.

But the REAL question is WHY?

How To Make A Country Full Of Hot Babes In Only Two Centuries: A Short History of Hotness in Brazil

Brazil’s history is just as exciting as it’s current affairs, filled with ups, downs, and conflicts that could compete with any box office action thriller.

The Portuguese were the first European settlers to arrive in the area, led by adventurous Pedro Cabral, who began the colonial period in 1500. Little did Pedro know he was planting the seeds of future hotness that would become the famous the world over.

Unlike the colonizing philosophy of the Spanish, the Portuguese in Brazil were much less focused at first on conquering, controlling, and developing the country. Most were impoverished sailors, who were far more interested in profitable trade and subsistence agriculture than in territorial expansion.

Nonetheless, sugar soon came to Brazil, and with it came imported slaves. To a degree unequaled in most of the American colonies, the Portuguese settlers frequently intermarried with both the Indians and the African slaves, and there were also mixed marriages between the Africans and Indians. This interracial mixing of three very distinct genetic pools, would no doubt have an impact on the future hotness of Brazilian women.

As a result, Brazil’s population is a population of mixed babies, who through some miracle have managed to discover the perfect cocktail of the best genes available to man.

Most Brazilians possess some combination of European, African, Amerindian, Asian, and Middle Eastern lineage, and this multiplicity of cultural legacies is a notable feature of current Brazilian culture, and an EXTRA notable feature of the sexy bunda packin babes you’ll see all over Brazil…

These are facts.

Let’s get back to our history lesson… Portugal so treasured the colony of Brazil that they actually sent its people gold bullion to protect its integrity — quite an unusual action. It’s almost as if Portugal knew Brazil had something special in it, something that made it a South American treasure worth protecting and keeping pure.

In other words, they must have known the place was more or less dripping with smoking hot babes. There’s no other explanation. The Portuguese made some half-assed attempts to colonize parts of America, Canada and other South American areas, but Brazil was their baby — their hot, bikini-clad, long legged baby whom they would cut off several fingers to have sex with.

Brazil’s #1 Export:

Supermodels.

I realize, of course, that this article seeks to explain why Brazilian women are so hot, but — as many philosophers and Douglas Adams have stated — often the only reasonable answer to “why” is “why not?” There are so goddamned many gorgeous Brazilian women that it just seems to be a stone-set fact of life that Brazil manufactures beautiful women as a matter of course. For Chrissakes, one country produced all the following women:

Alessandra Ambrosio

Adriana Lima

Isabeli Fontana

Izabel Goulart

Ana Beatriz Barros

Gisele Bundchen

and Juliana Martins

A Booming Economy

Brazil has the highest GDP in all of Latin America, with significant agricultural and manufacturing sectors and an enormous labor pool. It makes some sense, perhaps, that with their economy going so well, Brazilian citizens are generally less panicked and take the time to care for themselves. It’s easier to eat right, exercise and use skin care products when your country isn’t quadrillions of dollars in debt — lord knows we are, and our hottest chick from a decade ago now looks like this:

Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Weapons of Mass Seduction

Come to think of it, there’s something rather sinister about how many hotties come from Brazil. The surplus hotness Brazil exports on a daily basis could feed the homeless for a decade, if spent properly. It’s almost as if Brazil is trying to corner the global market on attractive women — as if they want a monopoly on sexy.

I am of the opinion that Brazil actually wishes to wage war on the civilized countries of the world by flaunting their women in our faces — their supermodels act as the greatest combination defense and offense in the history of warfare.

Sure, the US could nuke them into oblivion with our massive super weapon stockpile, but we’d literally be killing the most beautiful women on the planet. Similarly, we might have a more stable government with (arguably) more personal freedoms, but hell; Brazil’s got the hottest women! On paper, our lives may be slightly better, but the Brazilian life is more WORTH living simply because the sex is BETTER, and more plentiful. Brazil knows that, outside of disturbing eugenic experiments, there’s no real way for the rest of the world to combat their legions of hotties.

Brazilians fight their wars not with bombs, but with bundas, bikinis, and bosoms. And they are DEFINITELY winning.

The Brazilian Wax & The Brazilian Thong

Is it any wonder that the two most famous things to come out of Brazil are the “Brazilian Wax” and the “Brazilian Thong”. Need I say more? Their minds must be on sex all the time, which leads to vaginal waxing, and hot babes prancing around the beach in skimpy thongs, which leads to better sex with better looking women, which leads to better looking kids, which leads to more and more sex… I know what you’re thinking… It’s a VICIOUS cycle I know we all WISH we could be a part of.